Interviewing Adam

Me: We have Adam in the studio. The Adam.

Adam: That’s right, Adam, The Adam. That’s me.

Me: This is so cool. I have some questions!

Adam: Yeah, sorry, I don’t do questions anymore.

Me: Why not?

Adam: Well, people didn’t like the answers for one thing. And, I mean, that was a real long time ago.

Me: But I read your story many times.

Adam: You know who hasn’t read it? Me. I never learned to read. I mean, someone read it to me.

Me: How is it you speak perfect English?

Adam: Am I? I know all the languages, except the Click one. I do get Spanish, and Portuguese mixed up sometimes.

Listen, I’m working on a stand-up routine. Can I try a couple on you?

Me: Sure, I guess so.

Adam: Okay. Someone told me Neal Armstrong was the first man on the moon. I wasn’t impressed. (pause) I was the first man on earth!

What? Nothing? Look, I’m not gonna start with that one.

Eve said to me, “Are you seeing other women?” “I said, “No. There are no other women!”

Do you even have a sense of humor? I can’t bomb again, like last time. Job has this club and he’s giving me another chance. He’s so patient, you know.

Okay, try this one. Do you know the retirement age back then? It was 600. But I was ready.

I invented the hammock, you know. It wasn’t easy. First, you have to plant two trees just the right distance apart.

Then you have to wait 100 years…

Me: That was a good one.

Adam: So Eve says, Why don’t you pick some fruit for dinner?

I said, Isn’t that your department?

She said, Don’t start that again!

I’ll gather some nuts, okay?

She said, That sounds about right for you.

Me: Really? Did that happen?

Adam: No. We agreed to not talk about the past. I mean, why keep blaming each other?

One more. Able said to Eve, I understand that I came from you, Mom, but where did you come from?

She looks at me and says, Do you want to take that one, honey?


Look, I’m in a good mood. I’ll do one question.

Me: Where did you sleep?

Adam: Where did we sleep? That’s your question? At first, we slept on the ground. (pause) Near the river.

You know, you should ask Eve your questions.

I think she still answers questions. She’s around somewhere.

Me: You aren’t together?

Adam: Nobody is together! There’s no marriage here.

Me: Oh, yeah.

Adam: Just look for the best looking woman. Wait, I can use that. The best looking woman on earth.

Come to Job’s Place. It’s right near the South Middle Gate.

Me: Is there a cover charge?

Adam: Cover charge? There’s no money! Did you skip Orientation?

What about this? Eve says to me, The cave is chilly at night. (This was later on.)

I said, What about the blanket?

Eve says, Four sheepskins. And who sewed it? Why can’t you just invent indoor heat.

I said, I’m working on it. What about my other inventions? The plow? The door? The potty?

She said, You mean the Big Crooked Stick, The Heavy Rock and The Hole Too Far Away at Night?

I said, Well, I’m more of a Namer than an Inventor, really.

She said, Oh, yeah, like Wiggle-nose, Eight-legs and Long-neck.

I said, Those are very descriptive names.

She said, And, by the way, Eight-legs is still getting into the cave.

I said, I’m working on that.

Okay. now you’re laughing!

Me: That is funny stuff.

Adam: Catch me at Job’s Place. It’s mostly singing acts, a juggler, a plate spinner…

I really don’t get that one. Right near the South Middle Gate. The pearl one. Wait, they’re all pearl. South Middle. Bye. (I have to tell Able this one, Where did you sleep?)

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