Author: leekierdorf

Worship

by leekierdorf

To even approach this subject takes some nerve. Many would say, “It’s too personal.” They would probably be right. If you know what worship is, read no further. Maybe you think no person should be worshipped.

But why do we worship? What do we worship? Let’s use the word ‘admire’. “I admire your self control. I get mad real easy.” You can admire a character trait of another. These used to be called virtues.

But it goes deeper. We have a need or at least, a desire to admire a person, a leader. If this was not true, how would we explain the influence of one person over many. “They would follow him anywhere.”

We have an internal image of a great person. If someone fills that with reality, we follow them. If you go to a museum, you will see a statue on a pedestal. People will admire it. Take the statue of Venus. This is a made-up person that represents something. The statue I’m thinking of does not even have arms. It’s still on a pedestal.

We will remember a hero. A great leader is represented by a statue. Even if people take down the statue, it is significant. Because they feel this person of the past is no longer to be admired. But the statue was there for years.

So, we have statues of real people. We have statues of unreal people. In the east, there are many statues of Budda. In China, there are many statues of Mao Tse Tung.

If you read about Jesus, you may admire him. Let’s take only what he says because some choke on the miracles. We may admire his wisdom. No matter what he was asked, he has an amazing answer. Some try and trick him. Should we pay tax to Caesar? If he answers ‘yes’, he will find resentment at doing this. The Jewish people found the overbearing Romans to be oppressive. To demand taxes was too much for some. Yet, if he answers ‘no’, he will be opposing the Roman government directly. What does he say? Does anyone have a coin? Whose picture is on it? They answer “Caesar”. Give it back to him. But give to God what is his.

We could go through many such events of Jesus being asked such questions. His popularity was resented by the Jewish leaders. We can admire his wisdom.

More than this, we see him reacting to something. Someone asks him a legitimate question. How can I be sure of eternal life? Jesus suggests he follow the commandments. He gives a list of ones about how to treat others. The young fellow says he has kept these closely since he was young. Jesus says, “One thing you lack: go and sell all you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me.” It is too much for the guy. He cannot bring himself to do it.

Is it unreasonable? I think some would say so. Why should this be a requirement? But the point is that Jesus is asked a serious question and gives a serious answer. Around him stand men who have done this. They are astonished at the conversation between this man and Jesus. Why does Jesus ask him to dispose of his riches? Didn’t God bless this man with wealth?

We are looking at the wisdom of Jesus that is amazing. Can we admire him? I think so. Now we will look at a reaction of Jesus. Suddenly a leper came and knelt before Him, saying, “Lord, if You are willing, you can make me clean.” Jesus reached out His hand and touched the man. “I am willing,” He said. “Be clean!” And immediately his leprosy was cleansed. Yes, it is a miracle, but look at what Jesus did. He reached out and touched him. No one did this. The leper was an untouchable. How did leprosy go from person to person? No use asking for trouble. Stay away from lepers. But this man appeared suddenly before Jesus and had faith that Jesus could cure him. Jesus reacts by reaching out a grabbing this man by the shoulder and saying, I want you to be cured. (I am not only willing to cure you but I will touch you before you are cured. He didn’t have to do this. He could have just said, Sure, be clean! )

We can look at how Jesus reacts to people. Once, a woman snuck up on him in a crowd and touched him. She was immediately cured. Jesus says, “Who touched me?” His disciples say, “Everyone is touching you. It’s a crowd around you.” But He kept looking around to see who had done this. Then the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came and fell down before Him trembling in fear, and she told Him the whole truth. “Daughter,” said Jesus, “your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be free of your affliction.” This woman was not allowed to go out in public according to Jewish law. This is why she did this covertly. But Jesus wants her to know that she is not resented by him. Rather, he wants her to have peace in her heart as well as healing.

Again, leaving the miracle aside, he reacts to an outcast from society. He wants her to know she is accepted by him. This man is to be admired not only for his power to heal but his attitude toward people.

There was a man born blind. His disciples ask Jesus how he could be punished by God before he was born. Jesus puts mud on his eyes made of dirt and his spit. He sends him to a place of water nearby to wash it off. He is taken to the authorities because no one can deal with this man who now can see. The leaders tell him to thank God for his sight and forget about this Jesus person. He won’t give it up. He keeps talking until they throw him out. Jesus finds him. He asks him an important question. ” Do you believe on the Son of God?” He answers, “Who is he, Lord, that I might believe on him?” Jesus answers back, “You have seen him, it is he who is talking with you.” The man answers, “Lord, I believe.” And he worshipped him.

What? He worships Jesus. Jesus does not correct him. He does not say, “Don’t worship me, worship God! I am just a man.”

Why does Jesus look for him until he finds him? He has been a forgotten beggar all his life. Now he is cast out by the authorities. This meant he was not allowed to go to synagogue. He was again an outsider. But this time for sticking up for Jesus.

This man was someone to whom Jesus revealed his true identity. We see that Jesus is admirable and also the only man in history to be worthy of worship. Others have demanded people worship them; the emperor of China demanded his subjects to worship him. The emperor of the Roman Empire expected worship. But Jesus demanded none of that from his followers. He just said, “Follow me.”

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Two Men

by leekierdorf

There was a man named Nicodemas who was bothered by a question. Who was this rabbi? More to the point: what was his message? The others in his group dismissed this rabbi as an outsider. First, John was an annoyance. He insulted them when they went to see him. This one did the same.

They could not believe that they, the ones who were saving their religion, could be the bad guys. When the temple was defiled, who started the local synagogues? Who were the examples of piety? Who instructed the people and kept all the traditions?

Nicodemas had an idea. He would find out about the man. But he would visit him at night. This way, if his teaching was nothing, he would not be associated with him.

Nicodemas was always referred to by this. He came at night. Jesus talked to him at length but we know Nicodemas did not give up his position and join Jesus.

But there is another man. He was born blind. Even the disciples saw him as cursed by God although it was puzzling to them.

Remember how Jesus said, Blessed are the poor? This man was who he was talking about. He couldn’t work and make a living. He was reduced to begging. And he was ignored by everyone. He had no future. He couldn’t help his parents. He was exactly who Jesus meant when he said, Blessed are the poor in spirit. Hopeless.

Jesus gives him sight! But in a different way. The man must go a distance and wash the mud off. When he returns, Jesus is gone.

The man born blind is no longer blind. Those familiar with him do not know how to treat him. They were warned about this man, Jesus. They decide he must go to the religious authorities. That will keep them out of trouble.

He does go. Think of this man, ignored, forgotten, an object of scorn, a pitiable sight. Yet, Jesus spoke of the glory of God. Now, what? The leaders must regard his sight as real. But they demand he forget about this Jesus. He can’t. What did these men ever do for him? Why should he listen to them when he was given sight?

He rightly points out that no one has ever recovered from this blindness. And I’m supposed to disregard him? They call in his parents. What about it? They are afraid and refuse to acknowledge Jesus as the healer of their son.

Now this man who refuses to bow to them is kicked out. Really, he just had a chance to rejoin society and he lost it.

Jesus hears about this and finds him. How many people does Jesus look for until he finds them? Not many. Jesus looked for Phillip. “The following day, Jesus went into Galilee, and found Philip, and said to him, Follow me.”

But this man, Jesus responds to his treatment by the authorities. He finds him.

He asks him an important question. ” Do you believe on the Son of God?”

He answers, “Who is he, Lord, that I might believe on him?”

Jesus answers back, “You have seen him, it is he who is talking with you.”

The man answers, “Lord, I believe.” And he worshipped him.

These two men could not be more different. One is rich. The other poor. a beggar. One comes to Jesus by night. The second is given sight during the day. One keeps it to himself and does not speak up for Jesus. The other stands up for the man who gave him sight.

Which one does Jesus look for until he finds him? Which on does Jesus reveal himself to? The one who will not change his story about Jesus. Which are we more like? Do we make our stand with Jesus or do we just kind of believe like Nicodemas? Which one is with Jesus in heaven? Sure, Nicodemas helped bury Jesus. He spent a lot of money on the burial. Does that mean we will see Nicodemas in the kingdom?

No, it does not guarantee Nicodemas a place in the kingdom of God. But what about the man that gave up his chance to get back into polite society. This is the man that Jesus searched for until he found him. This the man to whom Jesus revealed his true identity. This is the man who said to Jesus, “Lord, I believe.”

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The Will of God

by leekierdorf

For some reason, these four words scare us. But should they? If we believe God created everything, then when we hear a bird singing or see a flower push up through the soil, this is the will of God.

Jesus said, about the birds, “Your heavenly Father feeds them.” Of the flowers, he says, “God makes their clothes.” These may be forgotten by us, but God does not forget them. If you find a place where no one goes, you may see wildflowers growing there. The will of God is beauty. The will of God is singing. If you cut your finger, what happens? It soon begins to heal. You can clean the cut, but healing begins. The will of God is healing.

Another thing that is the will of God is love. When Moses got some commandments from the Lord, the first thing on his mind was love. In fact, Jesus said, “You only really need two commandments, Love God, love others.” John later writes, “God is Love.” Jesus said, “I’ve got a new commandment for you.” Wow, here it comes. Another commandment. I knew it. “Love each other like I have loved you.” Oh. He gave it after he demonstrated over and over how much he loved them. This is the will of God: love. And Jesus says, “Not just any love will do: Love like I love.”

We focus on Jesus in the garden. Not my will but yours. But what about the rest of the time? When Jesus was healing, and teaching and demonstrating the love of God? Did he strain at this? No, he did the will of God with joy. He compared it to eating food. It was satisfying to him.

What is the alternative of doing the will of God? I say “doing” because the will of God can only be done. People say, “How can I know the will of God?” You can’t. If you want to know the will of God and then make a choice about doing it, you are asking for trouble. “Should I do this or the will of God.”

You already know some of the will of God. Are you doing that? If not, why ask for more knowing?

Let’s look at some real examples. “What college should I go to, God?” God doesn’t care. He cares what you do at whatever college you go to but what college? What college did Jesus go to? Go to that one. Jesus could have found a rabbi and learned stuff. Paul said he studied under the best rabbi.

Second one. “God, who should I marry?” Well, let’s see. Do you want the perfect mate? Are you perfect? So, you want someone perfect who wants someone not perfect. Why do marriages fail? Neither person knows how imperfect they are. Their expectations are unreasonable. The will of God in marriage is how you treat your mate. I know a couple that broke up. They were both great people. She knew the will of God for her husband. He should cherish me. She was right, I suppose. But what was the will of God for her? She didn’t say.

Our mistake is that we have a method of evaluating based on the knowledge of good and evil. How did we get this knowledge? We stole it. We took something that wasn’t for us. It was never intended for humans. And what good has it done us? We could listen to our conscience. It would help keep us from splitting ourselves in two. If you go against your conscience, you become two people that get further apart. There is the you that knows it’s wrong and there’s the you that does the wrong. The psychiatrist is waiting for you.

To live under the knowledge of good and evil is to progress towards death. Dying, you will die. When is conscience celebration day? I don’t think there is one. What did Adam say? “Yea, I got a conscience now! Eve chimed in, “Me, too!” It didn’t happen. Adam says, “I am naked.” He means, all I have is me. Everything else is “Other”. God, wife, animals, plants, everything is not me. I am alone and I am naked.

Does God want you to live like this, alone. He never did and he doesn’t now. He wants you to live in relationships of love. He has done everything to allow you and me to return to a good relationship with him. Sin, guilt? He dealt with it. Conscience? Always evaluating which is better? Throw it away. It will never lead you to goodness. Eternal life is live, in the moment, in contact with the Spirit of God, proving the will of God is good by doing it.

More on the Will of God

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My Life as a Mennonite

by leekierdorf

When I was young, I can’t say how old, really, I found a door. This door was at street level without a porch or anything. It went in to a Mennonite church. I began to go to this church. My parents did not question me on this. I remember that on your birthday, you would put pennies into a pail as a donation and the other children would count off your age as they clinked in.

I was told that I had won a prize one Sunday. This was a weekend trip to a farm, a Mennonite farm. I didn’t know that Mennonites were well known for being farmers. I had a small leather suitcase and was dropped off by my parents at this farm some distance from the city.

I was a city boy though and through. I had never been to a farm. There were a number of children who welcomed me. I remember they offered me a drawer to put my things in. I kept them in my suitcase under the bed because I thought if I became too connected here, I would become part of this farm.

The kids were all barefoot as they showed me the animals and how they fed them. I did not join in this barefootedness. I was not having a bad time but I began to think that I would never leave. I would be forgotten by my family and become a Mennonite farm child. My parents would give me up and let me become a Mennonite. I was not in despair but thought that my parents might even forget how to get to this farm having been only once.

I sat on the porch with my suitcase at the appropriate time to be picked up. I never voiced my concern of being abandoned. I did imagine myself, a bit sadly, going back into the farmhouse to join in the dinner. What would life be like? Did they go to school out here?

My parents did arrive and I bid the family goodbye, thanking them. I was silent during the ride home. It was so funny that my parents never questioned me about attending this church. The Mennonites were trustworthy in their eyes. I felt I had escaped a new lifestyle which was foreign to me.

I have never warmed up to farms and have always kept an eye on our car whenever we went to visit an obscure aunt who lived on a farm. Animals should only be in a zoo, I felt. I don’t think I ever wondered where food came from.

Later, as a teen, my dad took me to a turkey farm. He had ordered a fresh turkey and while he was inside, I examined the turkey farm through the fence. What a hellscape, I thought. Hundreds of turkeys wandering around not knowing that Thanksgiving was looming closer and closer.

I have always felt that a farm should only be viewed from a speeding car as you past it.

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Explain God to Me

by leekierdorf

It seems the longer you know God, the less able you are to explain him. John wants us to be sure of three things about Jesus: That he existed since the beginning. He is co-equal with God. That he was a real flesh and blood human being. That’s clear enough. Much later, he says “God is Light”. This is not that helpful since we hardly know what light is.

What is Light?

When John writes about our behavior, he is much clearer. But just as we are beginning to understand that our faith in God must result in better behavior, he hits us with “God is Love.” John proves that the more we know God, the less able we are to explain him. The reason is that God is unknowable. But that does mean we can’t know him. Huh? Imagine yourself standing knee deep in the Pacific Ocean. You are in the ocean. You are off the shore. But what do you know of the ocean? You know something. Can you know more?

But God being unknowable is no reason not to pursue him. Paul says, we know in part. Wouldn’t Paul know God pretty well? Yet, he writes of a strange limitation. We see in a mirror, darkly. A mirror? What do we see in a mirror? Ourselves. Is he saying that we are limited by ourselves as humans in knowing God? Darkly? And we do not even see ourselves clearly.

Does anyone explain heaven? Why not? Jesus says he came from there and that he was going back. I’m not sure why we would want to go there when we have no idea what it is like. It’s good. I’m sure it is good. God’s will is done there unlike here on earth. But can we pray “thy will be done” and not do it?

How can we do the will of God? Do we even want to? Why would we? There is only one motivation according to Jesus. “If you love me, do as I have told you”. This is an echo of the first commandment to love God with all. But it is now personalized by Jesus. “If you love me…”

What did Jesus make a particular point of? “A new commandment, I give you…” A new one? Love God. Love our neighbor. Doesn’t that cover it? “Love one another as I have loved you.” Once again, it is personalized. “…as I have loved you.”

How much does Jesus love you? People tell us that Jesus loves us. There are signs with it written. I’m not going to answer it for you because it’s too personal. I have to answer it for me. Then I have to love him that first loved us. Have to? If I don’t, I can’t begin. Unless I am reacting to his love for me, I can’t begin.

How does all this relate to our title” “Explain God”? Jesus said his life explained God. “If you have seen me, you have seen The Father.” Jesus explained God for three years, by living. He said, “You believe in God. Believe, also, in me.” Such a simple statement. Yet, it also says, “Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and you will be rescued.” Believing becomes loving. Loving leads us to do what he said. Doing what Jesus said changes us. Not just a little. A lot.

Take My Yoke

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Your Destiny

by leekierdorf

What is your final destiny? Have you thought of this? Let’s start slow. What if you lived a thousand years? Leave out aging. What would you be like in 900 years.

Would you be disillusioned? Would you be bored? Let’s say money was available to you to do as you pleased. Really think about it, not just, “Oh, I would happy.”

A friend told me he wanted to be rich. I asked why. “So I could do so much good.” He was serious.

You know people were meant to keep living. Why don’t they? Let’s take the worst example: a evil dictator continues to live. He gains more power as he goes along. He does not die of ‘natural causes’. He eludes those who want him dead. His control grows and he wants more. He takes over another country. Then another. Yes, it’s been done before but what if he just keeps living? All those who have done this have eventually died.

Take another example: a person has ‘done it all’. He has made money. He has invented things. He has travelled the world. He has hob-knobbed with the rich and famous. He has lived in obscurity, off the grid for 100 years. He has built things. He owns an island with access to everything now.

In his power, he has lost track of good and evil. Why? He tried to do good and found it surprisingly difficult. His good intentions went wrong somehow. He tried over and over. Giving money went to greedy people not those he intended to help. He started a charity but found he had to watch everything closely so that people were really helped in material ways. But he concluded that treating people good does not make them good. He had to be satisfied with ungratefulness. He began another agency that helped people without them knowing it. He lived hundreds of years, remember. He thought that if they were ungrateful, at least they didn’t know who they were ungrateful to.

He was completely disillusioned with people finally. He became disillusioned with himself. Why aren’t I wise? I’ve lived hundreds of years! I’ve done good but have not become good. I don’t care about anything anymore. He despaired of life. He contemplated suicide.

Is this fiction? Yes, but the end of life can easily be despair.

Why? Because although we can do good, we cannot become good. Someone knew this from the beginning. The creator has limited life to about 120 years these days. It used to be longer. That was thousands of years ago.

You and I get so many years to discover the meaning of life. You know, when Jesus was here, some guys said, ‘Why don’t you do something unmistakable that would prove your claim to be the one sent from God?’ I don’t know, put a message on the moon that would appear in the language of the reader, or something. But he refused to give an unmistakable sign.

Why not? Why would he heal people one at a time. Why didn’t he travel around the world? Why remain in a small country? If we were his press agents, we would have such ideas.

He made a constant point of what was required of people, faith. Not general faith, but specific faith in God. You know, the very thing that keeps us from God is what leads us to despair in the end. Our focus on ourself. And if we dig deep into our self, we find no answer to the meaning of life.

It is because the answer is external to us. Our disconnect with God will guarentee us becoming a completely distorted version of human in the end. I could try and scare you with possible outcomes but I won’t.

Human life. Consciousness. Self-awareness. They hold opportunity but not answers. Certainly not the answer.

I’m reading a book where a robot/human hybrid looks for her creator to fix her up. She eventually finds him and he does fix her broken parts and adjusts her cyborg/human mind to her desired state. That state is without any human feeling. She kills her creator and burns down his lab used to create others like her. Her human feelings were holding her back in the story.

She wants no humanity and no siblings. She wants to kill with no remorse. It was messing up her plans. How terrible, we might say. But we will arrive at a similar state but worse. We will become unable to do evil.

This outcome is planned for the devil. The devil and all evil doers of the angelic sort will be incapacitated in the end. They cannot be reformed and will be stopped from any activity.

If we are not rescued, willingly, by God, this is our fate, as well. Really? What choice is there? God desires a world full of good and he will have it.

Well, send all the evildoers to another planet! Not good enough. God will end the ability of evil creatures to do evil to any other evil creature.

God will not coerce you or I into joining in with his wonderful plan for earth, a new and improved earth, by the way. Full of glorified humans. This was and is his goal for humans.

God’s will shall prevail. Why? Because he is God and it is his will. He is good and his will for us is good.

Can we trust him to fix us? You’re not broken? God knows you are. But the process to fix us begins when you and I agree that we are broken and can’t fix ourselves.

Living a Lie

by leekierdorf

Is it possible that you are living a lie. Now, I don’t mean you are deceiving people around you. I mean that you are not living a true life. What do I mean by that?

I mean that your life is lived in relation to a lie. That lie begins with a question about how people began on earth. If it was some sort of accident then any life is okay. This is a common belief.

Now, is it true? No. Did you know that the idea that life began spontaneously has been given up? The theory has been tested as much as possible in the lab. And they have given up.

Let’s try truth. The truth is that God created people. Not only that but he had great purpose in mind. He used himself as the image and likeness. It says that the Word became flesh. The man Jesus was the same person as before but now became a flesh and blood human. He had been seen in the past in a similar body but not with blood flowing in his veins. He was the prototype for Adam. He was the model for mankind.

What about the great purpose? Glory. It says, All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. The glory of God. You and I were made to reflect the glory of God. Angels do not have this mission. We do.

How can this be possible? Jesus, again, is our model. He lived a life in real time with all the temptations. He was the first human to succeed in showing the glory of God on earth.

He said these two simple words, “Follow me.”

But he is not here now. No, but he was and there is a record. In fact, there are four records. Two written by his immediate disciples who responded well to “Follow me.” And two others by ones who recorded secondhand from the original people who knew him well.

What’s different now? The Spirit of God was poured out on people to enable them to better follow Jesus. That is still as true as the day it took place on Pentacost. This is like having Jesus right with you at all times. Jesus said, I am the truth. To follow him is to stop living a lie and begin to be a true human being.

Noah and wife

by leekierdorf

Wife You are working those boys too hard.

Noah It’s good for them. Keeps their minds off going to the big city, Enoch. You know, the one Cain started. A lot of our people have gone there.

W The boys need some recreation.

N What do you suggest?

W A picnic.

N A what?

W A pic-nic, we go out somewhere and eat food.

N Why?

W Well, we are all sick of looking at the ark.

We need a change – a day away – with no ark talk.

N You may be right. No ark talk, huh?

W That’s right, no ark talk.

W The girls and I need to gather some more kinds of food. Any ideas?

We have grain, oats and barley so far…

N Nuts.

W Don’t be that way.

N I mean nuts as food.

W  Oh.

N Didn’t you say we need a new table?

How many cubits are you thinking?

W You and your cubits! Is that all you can think of is wood working?

N Pretty much.

W See, that’s why we all need a day away.

N Who will watch the ark?

W You think someone will steal it?

N Graffiti , you know how the neighbors kids are.

W Their mothers won’t let them come around here anymore- too many splinters.

N You might be right about your day away.

The boys are talking pretty crazy these days.

Japheth is wondering if beavers will eat the ark. Shem is worried about termites. Ham wonders if the wine will run out.

We really don’t know how long…

W By the way, how many windows will it have?

N One.

W One?

N One, hey, I didn’t design it.

W Well, now I have to tell the girls that nobody  gets a window in their room.

We will have to have some light.

N I hadn’t thought about it.

W I have – and it’s a problem with all that pitch covered wood… We don’t want a fire.

N No, we don’t. And with all the animals. One could kick a lantern over.

W Yes, a burning lantern in the straw on the pitch covered wood floor. That would be bad!

N You’re telling me. You are so practical my dear.

W Maybe all the animals will go to sleep during the time in the ark.

N We really don’t even know all the kinds that will be on it.

W Do we have to have food for them all?

N I don’t know.

W Because if we do, we better get gathering.

I’ve just been thinking of food for us to eat.

If all those animals are eating and pooping and there is only one window to toss the poop out…

N I’m gonna have to think about that.

W See if God can give you a better idea on the animal care that will be needed.

N That’s a fair point, dear.

Japheth asked if we should have lifeboats

But Ham said it’s one big lifeboat

Shem thinks we should name it.

W Name what?

N Name the ark and paint the name on it.

W What’s wrong with The Ark? It’s not like there’s a lot of them around.

N Ham says we should bring some fishing poles and Japheth wants a mermaid on the front?

W And  who would see it?

N Well, after it was parked, you know.

W I’ll bet no one will want to see again.

N That may be… This is taking way longer that I thought it would.

W That’s why we need a day away. Everyone will have a fresh attitude.

N Well, I have to agree, we do need a day away. What did you call it?

W A picnic.

N Hey, what if we name the ark after you?

W And paint it on the back?

N Yeah, people will remember your name forever.

W I think we should stick with The Ark.

Interviewing Adam

by leekierdorf
Me: We have Adam in the studio. The Adam. Adam: That’s right, Adam, The Adam. That’s me. Me: This is so cool. I have some questions! Adam: Yeah, sorry, I don’t do questions anymore. Me: Why not? Adam: Well, people didn’t like the answers for one thing. And, I mean, that was a real long time ago. Me: But I read your story many times. Adam: You know who hasn’t read it? Me. I never learned to read. I mean, someone read it to me. Me: How is it you speak perfect English? Adam: Am I? I know all the languages, except the Click one. I do get Spanish, and Portuguese mixed up sometimes. Listen, I’m working on a stand-up routine. Can I try a couple on you? Me: Sure, I guess so. Adam: Okay. Someone told me Neal Armstrong was the first man on the moon. I wasn’t impressed. (pause) I was the first man on earth! What? Nothing? Look, I’m not gonna start with that one. Eve said to me, “Are you seeing other women?” “I said, “No. There are no other women!” Do you even have a sense of humor? I can’t bomb again, like last time. Job has this club and he’s giving me another chance. He’s so patient, you know. Okay, try this one. Do you know the retirement age back then? It was 600. But I was ready. I invented the hammock, you know. It wasn’t easy. First, you have to plant two trees just the right distance apart. Then you have to wait 100 years… Me: That was a good one. Adam: So Eve says, Why don’t you pick some fruit for dinner? I said, Isn’t that your department? She said, Don’t start that again! I’ll gather some nuts, okay? She said, That sounds about right for you. Me: Really? Did that happen? Adam: No. We agreed to not talk about the past. I mean, why keep blaming each other? One more. Able said to Eve, I understand that I came from you, Mom, but where did you come from? She looks at me and says, Do you want to take that one, honey?   Look, I’m in a good mood. I’ll do one question. Me: Where did you sleep? Adam: Where did we sleep? That’s your question? At first, we slept on the ground. (pause) Near the river. You know, you should ask Eve your questions. I think she still answers questions. She’s around somewhere. Me: You aren’t together? Adam: Nobody is together! There’s no marriage here. Me: Oh, yeah. Adam: Just look for the best looking woman. Wait, I can use that. The best looking woman on earth. Come to Job’s Place. It’s right near the South Middle Gate. Me: Is there a cover charge? Adam: Cover charge? There’s no money! Did you skip Orientation? What about this? Eve says to me, The cave is chilly at night. (This was later on.) I said, What about the blanket? Eve says, Four sheepskins. And who sewed it? Why can’t you just invent indoor heat. I said, I’m working on it. What about my other inventions? The plow? The door? The potty? She said, You mean the Big Crooked Stick, The Heavy Rock and The Hole Too Far Away at Night? I said, Well, I’m more of a Namer than an Inventor, really. She said, Oh, yeah, like Wiggle-nose, Eight-legs and Long-neck. I said, Those are very descriptive names. She said, And, by the way, Eight-legs is still getting into the cave. I said, I’m working on that. Okay. now you’re laughing! Me: That is funny stuff. Adam: Catch me at Job’s Place. It’s mostly singing acts, a juggler, a plate spinner… I really don’t get that one. Right near the South Middle Gate. The pearl one. Wait, they’re all pearl. South Middle. Bye. (I have to tell Able this one, Where did you sleep?)

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The Interview

by leekierdorf

Me: Today, we have Adam on the show. The Adam.

Adam: That’s right, Adam, The Adam. That’s me.

Me: I have so many questions!

Adam: Yeah, sorry, I don’t do questions anymore.

Me: What? Why not?

Adam: Well, people didn’t like the answers for one thing. And, I mean, that was a real long time ago.

Me: But I read up on your story.

Adam: You know who hasn’t read it? Me. I never learned to read. I mean, someone read it to me.

Me: So, how is it you speak perfect English?

Adam: Am I? I know all the languages, except the Click one. I do get Spanish, and Portuguese mixed up sometimes.

Listen, the reason I came on is this: I’m working on a stand-up routine. can I try a couple?

Me: Sure, that would be great.

Adam: Okay. Someone told me Neal Armstrong was the first man on the moon. I wasn’t impressed. (pause) I was the first man on earth!

What? Nothing? Look, I’m not gonna start with that one.

So, Eve said to me, Are you seeing other women?

I said, No. There are no other women!

Do you even have a sense of humor?

Me: I like to think so.

Adam: Look, I can’t bomb again, like last time. Job has this club and he’s giving me another chance. He’s so patient, you know.

Okay, try this one. Do you know the retirement age back then? It was 600. But I was ready.

I invented the hammock, you know. It wasn’t easy. First, you have to plant two trees just the right distance apart.

Then you have to wait 100 years…

Me: That was a good one.

Adam: So Eve says, Why don’t you pick some fruit for dinner?

I said, Isn’t that your department?

She said, Don’t start that again!

I’ll gather some nuts, okay?

She said, That sounds about right for you.

Me: Really? Did that happen?

Adam: No. We agreed to not talk about the past. I mean, why keep blaming each other?

One more. Able said to Eve, I understand that I came from you, Mom, but where did you come from?

She looks at me and says, Do you want to take that one, honey?

Look, I’m in a good mood. I’ll do one question.

Me: (Looks down)(pause)Where did you sleep?

Adam: Where did we sleep? That’s your question? Well, at first, we slept on the ground. (pause) Near the river.

You know who you should have on your show? Eve, I think she still answers questions.

Me: How would we contact her?

Adam: I’m not sure.

Me: You aren’t together?

Adam: Nobody is together! There’s no marriage here.

Me: Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Adam: What about this? Eve says to me, The cave is chilly at night. (This was later on.)

I said, What about the blanket?

She says, Four sheepskins. And who sewed it. Why can’t you just invent indoor heat.

I said, I’m working on it. What about my other inventions? The plow? The door? The potty?

She said, You mean the Big Crooked Stick, The Heavy Rock and The Hole Too Far Away at Night?

I said, Well, I’m more of a Namer than an Inventor, really.

She said, Oh, yeah, like Wiggle-nose, Eight-legs and Long-neck.

I said, Those are very descriptive names.

She said, And, by the way, Eight-legs is still getting into the cave.

I said, I’m working on that.

Okay. now you’re laughing!

Me: That is funny stuff.

Adam: Catch me at Job’s Place.

Me: Is there a cover charge?

Adam: Cover charge? There’s no money! You know, all this is covered in orientation.

Anyway, it’s mostly singing acts, a juggler, a plate spinner…

I really don’t get that one.

Right near the South Middle Gate. The pearl one. Wait, they’re all pearl. South Middle. Thanks for having me.

(I have to tell Able this one, Where did you sleep?)

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